The Letter to Myself

So, last year before I was confirmed into the Catholic Church (yup, I'm a newbie...), we had to write letters to ourselves during our RCIA class. They would be kept and mailed out the next year. Well, I just got mine in the mail today. Here are a few exerpts:

Congratulations! Guess what? You're Catholic! Does it still feel weird or have you gotten over it? Hopefully you haven't beocme a luke warm Catholic like Kevin warned against. Just remember what it all means if you have.
I hope for your sake that your first year of being Catholic went smoother than the monts leading up to it. If it hasn't, then I'm sorry. I know you have probably had doubts about this whole thing and you probably alwasy will, but that is a good thing. Everything happens for a reason and hoepfully you haven't forgotten that. While things might not always work out the way you hope, they work out all the same. The people in your life are there for a reason and were put there at the right time.
As much as you may resent certain people now, never forget how much you once loved them and how much they influenced your life. Had God never given you a roommate like C... you would have never gone to Newman and made the frist you did, nad you would most likely not be Catholic right now. Even if you hate them now, remember that you are who you are today because of them.
You should forgive yourself for things that have happened in the past and realize that you can't change them and can only pray that the future gets better. Never let yourself believe that you are alone or will always be alone. People love you very much. I love you.

It's interesting to read that a year later and realize how true a lot of the things are. I do still have a lot of doubts and I still wonder whether I did it for the right reasons. I looked back and realized that I had become a luke-warm Catholic. I'm going to try to be better. I hate having doubts and while sometiems they can be amazing things, I need to learn how to reconcile having differences with what the Church believes instead of seeing that as a reason to doubt the Church (and sometimes God) completely.

Finn has often commented that I am an Atheist who just doesn't know it yet. I refuse to admit in the present that I don't believe in God, but I can admit that in the past I have had moments where I looked up at the stars at night and saw nothing. No God, no heaven, no angels. Nothing. I'd then be in Mass and look around and see people praying to something that jsut wan't there. It alwasy is a strange and unsetteling feeling when I question whether God really exists. I want to have a faith that is strong enough to say 'yes, of course there is a God,' even in the really bad times, but looking at my religous track record, I'm not holding on to any high expectatoins.

But perhaps I was right a year ago- I am where I need to be. A few weeks ago, I was having doubts, but then I thougth to myself "If you really don't believe any of this, why are you still here?" I'm here because I need to be here.